I've been going through a roller-coaster of emotions since Thursday last week. What was so significant about last Thursday that sparked such a reaction from me? It was my ex's birthday.
Every year, I never miss greeting him on his birthday, Christmas, and New Year. At first, I was hopeful he'd reply back especially during Christmases. But then again, last year, I decided to stop. For this year, I also did not greet him on his day. Not anymore. I did this to show that we're cool, after all that's said and done, we're cool, I'm cool and we can remain civil still.
I knew he had moved on and was in another relationship. My reaction upon seeing his picture together with his new girlfriend was something that surprised me. I thought I'd be cool with it; thought that I'm completely over him. Then why did I feel this way?
He seemed happy, and for that I am glad. It saddened me, because it made me remember the times I spent with him, good and bad, and how I promised him and myself that I will be him as we face more good and bad times in our lives, together. I had dreams: of being there for him as he finished law school, on attending his graduation and passing the bar; getting married with him in a garden in the presence of our immediate family and closest friends; choosing furnitures and fixing our apartment or house and making it a home we could call our own; building a life with him and eventually build a family, have 2-3 kids, and raise and nurture them together, read our beloved books, watch movies, listen to music and talk about these and whatever catches our fancy. I have already pictured our life together and I promised in my heart that I will love him until the end of our days. And even in our next life, I said I'd find him still.
Then he left me.
Now, I don't know where my heart is.